Welcome to my first blog post! Today I want to talk about the word Should and how we use it. Sometimes the simplest of words can have great effects. Something as simple as Should can have a negative impact on our lives, without us realising it. When we think of what the word Should means, how do we feel? Guilty? Irritated? Shame for not doing something? Stressed? Anxiety?
Being told (by ourselves or others) that we should do something, gives our control away, to the item or thing we think we should be doing. Think about it - say we have our Mondayest Monday ever and nothing is feeling great during the day and without realising that inner chatter has begun saying: we should go to work, we should be inspired to get the tasks done in work, we should go for a walk, we should wear makeup, we should have a skin care routine, we should have our hair styled at all times, we should run, we should do the kids homework, we should make dinner, it should be healthy, we should be in bed before 10pm, etc, etc. These are just daily tasks many of us need to do but how does it make you feel when when you've spent the day saying I Should but not getting any of the Shoulds done ? Do you feel liberated by the tasks or swamped? Do you feel inspired to do them or sluggish and really need a kick up the a*se to get them done? Do you just not do them at all and then start considering yourself a failure as you can't do what you think are the simplest tasks?
This can be due to us feeling like a slave to our "to-do" list. It can also lead to us feeling shame, guilt, anxiety, stress and judgement on ourselves, which is negative self talk.
Social Media also allows us to compare ourselves to others on a regular (or constant) basis, making us think lesser of ourselves and sometimes bringing us to a place of comparison before we've even had our coffee in the morning.
We think we should do something because somebody else says so or because someone else is doing it, so we think we should do it. This ends up with us giving control of our authentic selves (who we truly are) away and therefore a sense of control for what we truly want, is lost and we can end up with negative feelings and feeling inadequate.
In fact, for me, it actually gives me a sense of resistance, for example, I used to always get "Sunday fear" with a nervousness and apprehension for the working week, sometimes getting to a state of anxiety so high that I considered quitting. "I should be fine" going through my head, not allowing myself to feel anxious about it, pushing it aside. I had to learn to be self compassionate towards myself and worthy of the work I do and to believe in myself.
Lets turn this on it's head, for instance instead of us saying we should go to work, lets say we could go to work. We don't have to, I mean we can not go if we really don't want to, call in sick, make an excuse, quit completely if we wish. This can be enlightening and empowering, knowing that the choice is our own; we're in the drivers seat - leaving us with the feeling of control of our own selves and what we truly want, and sense of positive wellbeing.
Example: I should be__________ right now
Change to: I could be _______but I'm doing this instead
Example 2: I should be in better shape
Change to: I could be in better shape, but I am enjoying that special treat on a Friday.
We can also look at our values and beliefs, what do you value most in life? Are these positive or negative?
If our valued system isn't aligned with what we are doing we can fall into the "should" trap, thinking someone else's lives are what we should be doing, walking someone else's path instead of our own. If we can look at what we truly value and what we believe and take a look at what we truly want for ourselves, the "Shoulds", could stop happening so often.
Ways to combat the Should's in our life:
Catch the inner critic
For me, I hate when people say just "catch the word you're saying" or "slow down, spend the time to notice if you're saying it" but I (and all of us) can have over 6,000 thoughts a day, so I find it very tricky to notice. Of course, if slowing down and catching the word being said works for you, then great!
For me, I think writing an inner critic log, can be a great way to notice patterns in behaviour. We can see when we are Shoulding the most, why it could be happening more in certain times of the day or situations, and I feel that is a far more tangible thing to use - allowing our brains to change the behaviour in a much more pragmatic way.
Box Breathing
I'll probably go into this in more detail in at another point as I find this can be a really handy tool to use in a myriad of situations (plus, you don't physically need anything to do it - just yourself and a bit of time!)
Step 1:
Slowly exhale for four seconds
Step 2:
Slowly inhale for four seconds
Step 3:
Hold breath for four seconds
Step 4:
Slowly exhale for four seconds
Separate the critic from yourself
Take notes that it is separate from you, it is like a little Gremlin speaking horrible words to you. We are humans, we are not Gremlins, so treat this little critic like something different from ourselves. This can compartmentalise it, allowing us to fight it and not let the words affect us as deeply.
Give the Gremlin/ Inner critic a name
Diving in further, give the gremlin a name, thus pushing the thoughts/ behaviours of the gremlin further into a separated space from ourselves. This allows us to physically imagine it as being a different thing from us, and allowing us to call it up if it is creeping into our thoughts.
Practice Self Compassion
Self compassion can be difficult but lets try imagine giving compassion to a friend, how would you do this? What would you say? Writing this down and then directing it at yourself can help bring self compassion into your awareness. Looking back on notes that you wrote can also help allow for changes in the brain (basically training the brain) to show self compassion. The more you try, the easier it gets.
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