One more time for the back!!!
YOU CANNOT DO IT ALL.
I remember when I had given birth, I was after running a marathon in the form of a 40 hour labour, going from staying in the hospital to be monitored during pre labour, to not being able to get any medication due to the babies heart dropping mid contraction. It was a panic and I was very, very stressed. Strapped into a bed due to the heart monitor being wrapped around my tummy, I couldn't stretch the contraction out. The ONLY relief was the warm shower I could sit in. I'll never forget it.
I won't go into too much detail but the labour got harder, longer and the endurance was really testing me at the end. And my partner. Funniest moment was when I realised he had been sitting their for about 20 hours, no food , WRECKED, when I whispered to the nurse to get him the infamous tea and toast all the new moms get after the baby arrives. He comes back from the toilet and immediately starts eating it, doesn't even ask if it's mine! Typical!
Anyway, I digress, the mere mention of labour and all things birthing related isn't a hugely successful memory. Things needed to change quickly and things were moving fast and slow. However, my beautiful baby girl, Cría arrived safely and that part was over.
Little did I know how unprepared I was for the actual motherhood part.
Sore, beyond wrecked it was not how I imagined it to be from the very start. I was panicking about getting her into the car seat, panicking about driving her home, pumped up full of whatever over the counter drugs I could take. I'm not sure when the panic subsided, a baby a real life teeny, tiny baby was here and I had to do everything to care for her and keep her safe.
So that's what I did. I did everything. I thought I had to, assuming that's what made you a good mother. I truly BELIEVED IT. Sound familiar? I'm sure it does. We as new mums (especially for the first time) think we have to do everything. We have to breastfeed, clean the baby, clean the house, clean ourselves, make food, eat food, drink water, get water, clothes need to be constantly spinning and drying and spinning again. Do the food shop, get the great food, not the wrong food, the right food. No the car seat, be able to remove car seat into buggy, and not forget a single thing for the baby on a ten minute walk. have the nappies, wipes, change of clothes, bags, soother, blankets, hats......All the while we're wondering why our bodies aren't back to normal, why our clothes still don't fit, what is this new pouch we were gifted around our waist!?
We've all heard the stories, and we all think it's fine. WE'RE FINEEEEE. Sometimes, just sometimes, we don't have to do it all. We do NOT have to cook and clean the house. We do NOT have to constantly wash and dry all the clothes. We do NOT have to wash the baby every single time when our partners are around. It is OK to give up some of the control.
For me I found it so hard as I immediately jumped to "not being in control" as a sign of me being a bad mother. Society and media have taught me to think in this negative, highly pressurised cooking chamber. And eventually something will break. And if it is not checked in on and worked on, that thing could be new mums. It was me. My thoughts were highly anxious, negative thoughts, I couldn't leave the house in fear of what might happen to herself or myself or in social situations. I just absolutely despised the idea of trying to use the buggy and not being able, or worse, someone thinking I was a bad mother.
It came a point where I had to change my thinking. I had to let others in, if I needed something like dinner to be cooked, I had to ask (nobody can guess what you need, all the time). If I felt something wasn't being done and I couldn't do as I have a newborn and a body to heal, then it was ok to ask for help. I also needed to change my avoidance of things due to fear.
Yes, everything about being a new mum is brand new. It is terrifying if someone doesn't like change and hasn't prepared (I'm not sure how prepared we can be to be honest) as the change is so large. Everything as we know it, changes.
Is any of this you? Does it sound familiar? What have you done to help yourself?
Changing my mindset, going to therapy, learning coaching, practicing coaching, going back to what I had learnt in psychology, setting boundaries, learning about myself, my triggers and what I needed was quite literally the best thing I have ever done. Being led down the coaching path and learning from a coach how I can manage myself and understand my wants and needs has literally changed my whole outlook on life. I am confident in my choices as a parent. I am well versed in telling my partner I need to go to bed early. I take a night off cooking if I want to. There is nothing better than knowing what you want and need and getting it. Life moves forward now and I'm no longer stuck, frozen in fear.
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